MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Die, you furry little rodent! DIIIIIE!
Oh, hi! You’re late!
The name’s Wilson. Wade Wilson. But you can call me Deadpool. I gotta tell ya, I’ve been waitin’ for you for a while now. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to fill the time when you’re just a bunch of words on a page, honestly, ya wouldn’t. There’s never anything decent on TV these days. I hope you mouth-breathers are happy - I watched Pokémon waiting for you people!
Now, I’ve seen a man’s brains seep out his eye sockets. I’ve seen guys disembowelled, and fed their insides. But I have never seen anything as horrific as this little electric rat. Of course, this Jessie character, on the other hand... well, if I ever got my hands on her, I’d put the POKE in Pokémon, know what I’m saying’, huh? Team Rocket blasting off all through the night, eh? Heh heh...
...I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?
Damn. Sometimes its hard to tell.
But, anyway, I’m getting away from the point. You brought your carcass here to read a story, didnt’cha? Well, sorry, but I’m afraid that your regularly scheduled Marvel Universe Transformed has been cancelled. Instead, I’m afraid you’ll have to make do with:
DEADPOOL’S ALL-NIGHT GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS SHOW!
‘Scuse me a minute...
Hello? Yeah? Uh-huh? They WHAT? God DAMMIT! Yeah, fine... aw geez. Yeah. Have your people call my people. Yuh-huh. We’ll do lunch. Say hi to Cindy for me. Yeah. Bye.
Well, it seems we’ve hit a snag with the aforementioned girls. Seems they had a better offer for a private performance. Well, I guess you’re stuck listening to me, then.
Dammit, I am so going to kill Tony Stark...
DEADPOOL’S THEATRE OF THE OBSCURE PRESENTS:
"RIDE THE STREAK! Part 1 - A BIG LOAD OF NOTHING."
By Deadpool. And some guy named Chris. Or something. Who cares?
Okay, now I warning you, this is one messed up story, but hey, if you’re still here listening to a guy like me, I guess ya really don’t care all that much, now do ya? Do ya? No you don’t! Do ya! A-goo. Poo-poo-goo-goo!
Hey wait, come back, I’ll stop the baby talk!
Okay, okay, sorry about that. But if you want to hang around and hear this thing, expect stuff like that, okay with you? Audience?
What? Why, yes madam, I did make it myself, thanks for noticing. Now kindly sit down. The show’s starting. Shh.
Okay, so this happened just after this big mess I got myself into, involving me being the herald to a little thing some people might have called... a-heh... the Messiah. Trouble with that was... well, long story short, and believe me, you do not want the long version... I had to kill the ugly thing.
Hey, you! Sit down! I’m talkin’ here! There are other people listening besides yourself, you know!
Oh, you’re gonna be that way about it, are you?
Boys! Remove the guy with the dog collar, and let me get on with my story!
*assorted thumping noises*
Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yeah. I’d just killed the Messiah. Keep your comments to yourselves, thank ya's very much. So, anyway, as you might imagine, I was pretty friggin’ wigged out after that. Even moreso than usual. So, I took a little day trip to my favourite city, New York, the Big Apple, where the vice is so nice they frisk you twice. So, I’m wearing my newest holographic disguise...
What? How do I make the holograms? With this thing. It’s what we in the merc business call an image inducer. Only $29.95, not available in stores anywhere! And if you act now, we’ll throw in this nifty teleporter belt too! Call 1-800-POOLMAN today! But back to the story.
So, I’m walkin’ down the street, and I’m stopping every so often, admiring whatever pair of legs happens to be walking by - and I’m tellin’ ya, that’s a lot of legs - and I’m lookin’ around me, and the next thing I hear is this scream. So, I look around, and I see this old broad screaming an’ shouting, as this guy grabs her bag off of her and runs in my direction.
"Don’t worry, lady!" I yelled. Hell, I dunno why I yelled it, something inside’a me just came out. That happens a lot. Generally after a night out at the HellHouse. Sorry, I’m gettin’ away from the point again. So, I flip off the image inducer, and I whip out this baby...
*scream from woman in audience*
Yoinks! Wrong baby!
...ahem... THIS baby... my trusty AK-47, and the guy runs smack into the barrel. "Hello there," I say to the guy. "Say, you wouldn’t happen to have something that doesn’t belong to you, now would ya?"
The guy wets his pants.
And by the time I’ve stopped rolling around on the ground laughing at the sissy-boy, he’s run off down the street, nowhere to be seen.
So I blew that one. Sue me. I’m not perfect. Who is?
What’s that, sir? You think you’re perfect? Well bully for you. Boys?
*thump thump thump*
Thank you, boys. That’s Joe and Gus, there, audience. How ‘bout a big hand for these guys? Their daddy was a milkman and their momma was a naive, unsuspecting young cow. Literally.
Hey, simmer down guys, I’m just kidding.
I know your momma was a pig.
Okay. Right, so on with my story.
Despite the fact that I just laughed myself silly at a pants-wetting little girly man, I’m still feeling bummed, so I duck into an alley, and I’m about to flip on my holographic disguise again, when I see this big, huge...
What do you MEAN, "we’re out of time?"
Sorry folks, but this Chris guy is telling me that we’ve used up all the time available to us this issue. Oh well, I guess you good people’ll have to tune in next week to hear the rest.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my Pokémon.
C’mon Jessie, shake it for daddy!
...are you guys still here?
TO BE CONTINUED!